Say it isn’t so! Ah, but I’m afraid it is. Yours truly is now legally ordained to perform baptisms, weddings, bar mitzvahs, and animal sacrifices at a house of worship near you.

How can this be? I’ve avoided—by the skin of my teeth in some cases—ordination by the United Methodists and the Assemblies of God. And even still some try to talk me into Unitarian Universalist ordination. But, no, they have all failed, until now.

Until, that is, I found Universal Ministries. And who are they? Remember Chris from Northern Exposure, how he was ordained through an ad in the back of Rolling Stone magazine? Yup, those folks. Or close enough, anyways. Why these folks? And why now? My sister-in-law is getting hitched. She’d like me to do the ceremony. And she’s set in her decision that it be “legal.”

Yet as it stands, dear readers, I am in urgent need of your help. (Okay, not that urgent, but I feel the holy ghost upon me.) I need you to help me pick out an appropriate ministerial title (poll on your left). You see, for only ten additional dollars, I can choose a specific title as part of the “basic ministerial package.” Why go with “minister” or “reverend” when you can get something with a little more holy ghost pizazz?

So you can see the poll to your left. I picked several I have partial to, although I have to say I’m a little disheartened I couldn’t choose “Apostle” or “Bishop.” That pretty much cuts out working churches that give folding money. Guess I’ll just have to send that offering plate around another time.