Got enough Jesus? Nope, you don’t. Otherwise, Beliefnet wouldn’t be selling email subscriptions to an essay series on Jesus. For just $70 a year it offers “penetrating essays” on

Birth: How real — or important– is the virgin birth?
Miracles: Metaphor or fact?
Message: Did Jesus mean to start a new religion?
Resurrection: What is the true story and deeper message of Easter?
Salvation: Christ “the way, the truth, the life”–Is Jesus the only way?
Faith: What does Jesus mean in your life?

That’s right. A dozen or so scholars, pseudo-scholars, and non-scholars will tell you definitively—via email—exactly what Jesus means in your life. There are some reputable scholars—Jack Miles and James Carroll—but none of them are recognized “Jesus experts.” Then there are some who are not so reputable…

For instance, you’ve got the likes of Marcus Borg. Imagine, for the moment, that you are a baby boomer Unitarian Universalist. Good. Now that you’re in your happy place, imagine that you could create a Christian Jesus expert who would tell you that who Jesus really was validates all your assumptions about Life, the Universe, and Everything. Presto! I give you Marcus Borg, creator of Hippy Jesus. Even better, he purports that Hippy Jesus is the discovery of his years of scientific historical research. Right.

Then there’s TBN star “Bishop” T.D. Jakes. Who he’s bishop of, I can’t say, but it appears to be a sect that requires dressing to the nines but prohibits fixing a two inch gap between your two front teeth. Face it, T.D., you’ll always just be an E.V. Hill wannabe.

Did I mention the daily “sayings of Jesus” email? I know! Bonus! Much more convenient than opening up your own goddamn bible and looking for something printed in little red letters. This also eliminates the need to consider all that pesky narrative context. Who needs that? Besides, this way you can skip over all those naughty passages about Jesus turning over the money changing tables or rich people going to hell. I don’t know about you, but I’m ordering two. This sounds like a Jesus everyone can love.