Ellen Asher
Senior Editor
The Science Fiction Book Club

Dear Ms. Asher,

Thank you for The Science Fiction Book Club catalog you sent me, which arrived unsolicited in my mailbox today. I appreciate the personal letter you wrote me on the inside cover, and I hope it is not too much to ask you to respond in kind to the following questions which your letter provoked.

Specifically, you mentioned that by signing up for membership I would receive "6 books for only $1, plus shipping and handling," and that after I pass your membership induction procedures (Tolkeinesque, I hope, though not too much Quendi influence, I trust), my book selections "will arrive with a FREE gift, our Science Fiction Book Club Pewter Dragon or a FREE BOOK" (emphasis yours).  My questions are as follows:

1) Since you are letting me choose, on one account already, between a free book and a pewter dragon figurine, would it be possible to get seven pewter dragon figurines instead of the books, for the original price of $1 plus shipping and handling?

2)  Even better, could I get one giant pewter dragon figurine instead instead of the seven regular sized one?  That would be cool.

3)  What would be really cool is if you had seven pewter dragon figurines that transform together into one really big pewter dragon figurine that could cast spells and stuff.  Wow!

4)  Do the pewter dragon figurines breathe fire?  Cause that would make a really cool lighter for the Renaissance Fair.

5)  Do any of the pewter dragon figurines come with boobies?

6)  What does the "handling" in "shipping and handling" mean?  I hope that doesn’t mean anyone is going to touch my pewter dragon figurines before me.  Especially not if they have boobies. 

Also, in your letter you addressed me as "Dear Changeling."  I am afraid you have been misinformed.  As everyone in the guild here knows, I am a level 39 Dark Elf Mage.  I have nothing against Changelings per se (some of my best friends are Changelings), but I am quite proud of my Dark Elf heritage, as I’m sure you’ll understand.

Thanks again for your letter. 

Your pal,
chutney

P.S.  Are dragon boobies scaly?