Driving on the highway the other day, I noticed the state lottery was up to some ungodly amount again. I found myself asking what I would do if I won.

If I became suddenly rich–I have little hope of becoming gradually rich–I would consider it my Christian duty to become an eccentric rich man. The first move in my path to eccentricity would be to hire a research assistant to help me compile a personally published book that I would give to friend and family as a stock gift. (My parents have friends who give crock pots for occasions small and large.) This book would be leather bound, with gold leaf edging. A cloth bookmark would be attached to the binding, like a nice study bible. The first page of the book would be left blank so I could stamp, in green ink, “On the occasion of ____________. Your friend in ________,” I’d fill in the occasion, the deity and add my signature in my best red Sharpie. Typical occasions for giving my little leather book would include birthdays, births, baptisms, bar mitzvahs, graduations, engagements, weddings, divorces, anniversaries and funerals. The book would be delivered gift wrapped in unmatching paper and bow.

Compiling the contents of the book would be my research assistant’s primary responsibility (besides wearing a kilt, thongs, and a cowboy hat). Hardly a morning goes by when I don’t find myself gufawing, “Oh, that Family Circus! Where does that Bill Keane get his material? It’s funny because it’s true!” The book would thus be a personally selected collection of my favorite Family Circus delights, affectionately decopaged onto my foyer’s walls over many years. It would be the job of my assistant, however, to randomly mix and match the captions of the cartoons so that they no longer accompanied their original artwork. (I doubt little of Keane’s humor would be lost.) Each book would be a collection of unique combinations of caption and cartoon, a truly hearfelt, handmade gift from yours truly. In the inside back cover I would insert a perfumed thank you note with a self-addressed thank you note, already filled out, for their convenience. The thank you note would also be custom made, from recycled materials and by indigenous Mayan villagers paid a fare wage. When opened, the card will play “America the Beautiful.”