While the good folks at The Morning News provide an excellent guide to writing thank you notes, my ire was raised nonetheless. Why do I hate thank you notes?

1. They’re bourgeois. Impoverished people do not write each other thank you notes, nor does anyone expect them to. So neither should you expect them from anyone. Would you expect a thank you note from Goodwill? That would just be rude.
2. They’re expected. If you’re giving a gift to get a thank you note, skip the gift and write yourself a thank you note. You obviously need the attention.
3. They’re a pain in the ass. Newlyweds, for instance, have enough stress without having to thank you for the third identical broom-vac they were given by a distant relative, who mother forced them to invite.
4. They’re a con job. Like the quintessential Halmark holidays–Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, Boss’ Day, etc.–we should simply substitute for thank you notes a national Halmark tax. If we’re so obligated, why not make it official?
5. They’re resentment made nice. As Nietzsche pointed out, thank you notes are a way to say, “Yes, I officially acknowledge you gave me something, so don’t think you can hold it over my head or anything.” After all, what if you ran into them at a cocktail party?
6. They’re bourgeois. Anything bourgeois is not a moral or social obligation. Period.

That said, I’m off to write my brother and his wife a thank you note. They helped out around the house this weekend, and I really appreciate it.