Last night I bought my first house. We’ll be moving to East Atlanta in a week and half. The meantime will be spent painting, caulking, and mowing. You are an old, old man when you’re looking forward to mowing the lawn.

Among the assets included with the house is one electric wheelchair, which with new batteries will do a fine job of getting me back and forth to the bar. (Who needs a Segway?) We also have a tenant, one Charlotte the Spider, who is as big as my fist and has built her own luxury condo just past the shed. Charlotte will not be charged rent or chased with the lawn mower so long as she doesn’t try to recreate the forest scene from the first Harry Potter movie.